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My Story

Ever felt worthless? Invisible? Disposable?

Ever wondered if this world would be better off without you?

Ever googled, “The most painless way to commit suicide?”

Ever tried to tell someone you’re struggling only to have them tell you’re not fun to be around?

Ever wondered what’s the point of life anyway?

Ever turned off all the lights and cried in the shower until the hot water turns to ice?

Ever thought you would gladly choose to have never have existed at all?

Ever felt guilty for the pain you cause others?

Ever started with a counselor only to have them move across the country, twice?

Ever screamed out in your mind for everyone to leave you the F___ alone?

Ever told your doctor you’re struggling and then lied on the depression screener out of fear?

Ever pulled the covers over your head wanting to stay asleep where the world can’t hurt you?

Ever turned to drugs, alcohol, food, pornography… anything to numb the anguish for a few hours?

Ever gone to one support group meeting and lost the courage to ever go back?

Ever lied to everyone you love that you’re sick because you just can’t be around people?

Ever written goodbye letters?

Ever picked a day to end it?

If you answered yes to even one of those questions – you and I have more in common than you know.

Those questions tell the darkest parts of my story; the chapters I wish no one knew. The years of struggling in silence. The many failed attempts to get help.

They also tell a story of someone who has survived. They tell a story of a man who has been fighting a war against his brain to not only keep living, but to live life to the fullest.

If you came here looking for cliche – “it gets better” suicide prevention messages, I could certainly give them to you. But if you’re like me, I hate that crap. Those words feel hollow. They feel like no one actually understands. They feel like a joke.

What I can give you my story. My real story. Not the sugar-coated parts – the real, holding a knife in my hand truth. The uncontrollable sobbing on the floor reality.

I can give you a companion. I can tell you it’s not fair the hurt you feel.

If you think no one cares, you’re wrong; your brain is lying to you.
I am a complete stranger; I cry every time I hear about another suicide. Every. Time.

Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, it is the bravest thing you could ever do.

 

[Click here to check out a list of Mental Health Resources]

Since the day I chose life, my world has had plenty of mountaintop moments and plenty of valleys. I’ve led worship on the plains of Zimbabwe and held sick babies in Haiti. I’ve finished a marathon, earned a Master’s Degree and am finishing my first manuscript telling my story.

In May 2016, I launched my own suicide prevention ministry sprinting towards a world with zero deaths from suicide. I am on a mission to tell my story and get the world talking about suicide and depression. I would LOVE to talk to you about speaking to your organization, school, church, or youth group. For more information on my speaking, visit my Speaking Page here.

My life post-suicide attempt is far from perfect. I still battle depression and still occasionally hear that old voice telling me maybe I shouldn’t exist but now I live for two magical words: This Moment.

Two words I hear over and over again in the most beautiful moments when I ask God why I survived. You survived for this moment.

Please contact me any time with questions or ideas on how we can partner to help fight suicide together.